I started watching a show lately and it has triggered so many questions and a pile of emotions that has kept me up at night and has made me cry because I honestly can’t seem to understand how the “world of a man” works anymore. The show is called DR FOSTER on netflix and its about a woman who has been married for 14 years and her husband has been cheating on her for the past two years with a girl that is half her age, it’s funny because reading this most people would feel like (oh well, that’s pretty normal and it happens”). She later found out that everyone knew, even his mother and he has taken her on vacations with friends and co-workers and she even ended up getting pregnant and this whole thing just brought a very dark side out of her. She ends up losing her husband, money, her job, diginity, respect, he tried to make her look like an unfit mother so he could take her son and he also hit her so hard she was left unconcious and not one time did he say “sorry”.
In the show, a lot of times there are conversations justifing “men cheating”, it is said that there are two types of married men, “the ones that cheat and get caught and the ones that don’t get caught”. Growing up especially in the African community I have heard things like “men would always be men”, “it is a man’s world” and all these basically justifying and encouraging cheating. How has cheating become so normal and accepted?. It’s just not about the woman but the lies and the deceit and the pretense, the scheming and the pain and the hurt and I keep thinking how is this okay?.
I want more than anything in this world to be married one day and have my own home and I suddenly have this crippling fear inside of me. How am I supposed to give all my life to someone, give him all of me, bare my soul and heart to him, give him children, pray for him, feed him, do his laundry, help with the finance and constantly going out of my way to please him and after a few years of what is supposed to be the rest of my life, “I am suddenly not enough”. I have had married men approach me a couple of times, those ones that dot all over their wives on social media and boost of how much they love her and I am immediatly irritated, how do you even leave your family at home to be with someone else? Why get married at all?
I know women cheat which is wrong and disgusting as well but that amount of shame and disgrace that falls on a cheating woman is indescribable, but when a man cheats, its okay. All I thought about when I watched Dr Gemma Foster figure out her life is, how would she get 14 years of her life back? how would she be able to move on and just learn to love or trust anyone ever again. At 40 years of age, where do you start from. It took one very selfish and inconsiderate man to turn a smart, beautiful, acoomplished doctor to a “crazy woman”. Isn’t that what they are called, when a woman has been cheated on and she is venting out and upset they tag her “crazy”.
How do you accept that at some point down the line, he would not love you the way he does now or look at you the way he does now. Do you just accept that cheating is inevitable and turn a blind eye and just move on, or do you fight it and refuse to be cheated on?. I asked a guy why men cheat and he said
” Most women make relationships boring because they are the best version of themselves forgetting that you might be good enough for yourself but not for your partner. In as much as he loves you with your thorns he also hopes you become everything he dreamt of”. The hypocrisy in this message made me laugh, we are supposed to accept our partners for who they are, accept and love them, manage their flaws and help them to be better but they can’t do the same for you. Instead they look for a better version of you in someone else.
I asked my mother all these burning questions and while she admits that marriage is hard and a good man is hard to comeby, there are still good, honest, decent and responsible men out there and the only way to get him is to”Pray”. Pray you find the right person that loves your flaws as much as they love you, pray you find that person who is content and sees you as the prettiest woman in the world, pray you find that one person that was made just for you, pray you find “the right person”, the person God intends for you to be with because God doesn’t make mistakes. When you find that person, Pray that your loves grows strong and pray that you can stand tall in face of hard times.
My mother’s answers brought peace of mind to me, I hope they do the same to you.